My story begins with my parents, in
particular, my mother. This is an especially difficult tale to tell; however,
it does provide a glimpse into one of the many circumstances that led to the
foundation of my critical thinking process. At the age of forty-five, my mother
was able to set my feet on a path that would lead me to a few critical and
non-critical thinking standards, such as: clearness, accuracy, loving, and
popular (Nosich, 2012). Although her gift to me was not readily visible that
day; as I added years to my life, married, and gave birth; her endowment became
clearer and has increased in value with each passing season. So, how did my
mother give such a gift to her daughter? She lost her fight with depression and
took the only action she felt she had to end her pain; she took her own life.
To this day, just thinking those words, much less typing them, triggers painful
memories. Nonetheless, her loss of life formed the basis as to how I approach
my life and apply both critical and non-critical thinking standards.
It was 1974. I was fourteen years
old; and, I was the one who found my mother that morning. It was a school day;
so, I found it odd that she had not yet began the morning by waking my brother
and me for the morning ritual that took place with each school year. I will
never know all of the reasons that led my mother to her final conclusion, a
final assumption that caused her to believe she was completely alone and did
not have any one person on whom she could rely. Forty years later, the very
thought of how alone she must have felt is painfully sad. I lost her at a time
when young girls need their mother for a host of reasons. School events, first
dates, school dances, proms, first broken heart, marriage, grandchildren, and
conversations about nothing are affairs that take place every day with mothers
and daughters; often times they are taken for granted. Yet, future scrapbooks
that would later hold snapshots and mementos of those family milestones remain
empty. It is often said that things happen for a reason. As a teenager, it is
one of the dumbest statements one would ever want to hear; as an adult, with
time to reflect, my mother’s death, along with all of the stolen moments we would
never share, was the trigger that impacted my way(s) of thinking.
According to Nosich (2012), “Depression
thrives on unclearness”. Had my mother not been clear in her thinking? Was she able
to communicate with others; and, if so, did they understand her? I will never
know the answers to these questions; but, what I was able to gain from the
experience is that I made a conscious decision, at a young age, to never put myself
in a position to have this event unfold in front of my husband or my children. I
wanted to be able to have my husband, children, other family members, and
friends ask me questions and know that I would say what I mean and that there
would be little room for misunderstandings. It took years to first make sure my
own thinking was clear. My husband and children often joke when I talk to
myself. However, I find this therapeutic, especially when I am thinking things
through. Sometimes I even answer myself. Many times, I find myself having quiet
conversations with my mom while trying to remember certain circumstances and
wondering what she would do. It is how most of my process begins. Once a
concept is clear in my own mind, I then think about the person to whom I will
be expressing myself. Is the person an adult, a child, a boss? As Nosich (2012)
explains, the audience determines words chosen to express thoughts.
Additionally, what I am thinking about impacts how I will present my thoughts so
they can be understood by others. I research. Sometimes to the point of ad
nauseam; but, I tend to store knowledge and information for future use. This
process has served to help build better relationships with both my husband and
children; and, evidently being able to speak clearly and anticipate what others
will ask is welcomed by my family. Both my husband and children easily tell
stories and caution their friends when asking questions of me. They warn them
of my propensity for being blunt; and, if the friend does not want to hear what
I have to say, they are told to not ask. Once thoughts are clear, I endeavor to
make sure my thoughts are accurate.
A fond; yet, sad memory, directly
related to the loss of my mother, is that of my best friend from school, Anna.
She was brought up in a devoutly Catholic home, with parents who did not
mention the word, S-E-X. It wasn’t just her parents. It was quite common, even
in the early 70s, for parents to dread having “the talk”. Anna and I had been
close; but, became closer after my mom’s death. We could ask each other the
questions we wanted to ask our mothers. Now, in order to find answers, we often
searched for answers in a set of encyclopedias known as Funk & Wagnalls. To this day, I can still hear my father telling
me to “go look it up in your Funk &
Wagnalls”; and, I still laugh. One particular day found us researching
S-E-X. We looked up reproduction and read a very clinical presentation about
the topic. This was our “sex talk”. Funny, you never see “the talk” portrayed this
way in any sitcoms. Even though the clinical information was accurate, and
described “the way things are”; it lacked the loving standard so often seen in
television scenes (Nosich, 2012). My own wishful thinking of imagining the “sex
talk” with my mother would be just like the talks I had seen in television and
films, along with the reality of how Anna and I learned, impacted the way I
would later approach this with my own children. I never wanted them to have to
learn about sex from people they did not know. Uninformed friends and embarrassed
gym coaches, posing as health instructors, in my opinion, lead to the formation
of inaccurate beliefs, which can become difficult to cast aside and change
later in life. To this day, when my children come to me with questions, I am
cautious to give quick responses. I enjoy thinking things through, reading
other sources, and being reasonable in my thought process. When I do discuss
issues with family and friends, I measure success by how many clarifying
questions are asked and the independent research results shared with me by
family and friends. It is a wonderful experience to see your children not only
research; but, knowing they feel comfortable in coming to me to discuss any
topic is priceless.
Both loving and popular,
non-critical thinking standards, have also contributed to my overall process.
With my children, I often found myself in the position of making unpopular
decisions while having to break the news in a loving manner. In the early 90s, Reeboks
were the popular brand of shoes. Their purchase price was around $100.00 per
pair. My daughter desperately wanted a pair; but, being a single-mom at the
time placed constraints on the family budget. Had I given in to what was
popular, an accurate and clear decision to not purchase for a pair of shoes for
a child with growing feet would have been cast aside, and in less than a year’s
time, she would have outgrown the shoes. I was able to find a loving answer to
the problem. She and I made an agreement that once her feet stopped growing, we
would scour the store circulars to find a pair on sale. Although she was disappointed
at first, by the time she turned sixteen, her feet had stopped growing and we
were able to fine a pair of Reeboks, on sale. It was a mother-daughter day;
definitely one for the scrapbooks. Being able to use critical thinking skills
in order confront the popular item of the day or decade, and being able to say
no, or at least develop a compromise, has served me well with my family and
friends. I often find myself using the adage, “if your friends jumped off a
cliff, would you?” to demonstrate points. Not exactly critical thinking; but,
it does help to avoid choosing popularity over accuracy (Nosich, 2012). It also
leads to many loving conversations.
Of the standards listed by Nosich
(2012), the one that guides me and allows for change, is that of loving. I
loved my mother very much; though, I often question her love for me if her
thinking led her to take her own life. Learning to think in a critical manner
is not easy and does not happen overnight. For me, the process began as a way
to insure my loved ones would never find me as I had found my mother. By first
questioning my own thoughts, and then making sure I was clear with my own
thinking, I could then turn to being accurate. Each of these is important.
Being clear and accurate with my husband has led to twenty years of happy
married life. I have been able to answer questions for my children that I was
never able to ask of my own mother. Likewise, when my children asked questions
or presented statements to me, I could dig a little deeper to find out if the
information was accurate or a rouse. Since 1974, I have read, for pleasure and
for research, and this has only added to my critical thinking skills. Reading
allows me to question long held beliefs and to be open to new ideas. I also
watch numerous documentaries and historical accounts covering a diverse range
of topics. I try to learn something new every day. This simple challenge has
allowed me to question long held beliefs and open the door to new concepts. Often
times, I share my findings with my family and amazing conversations take place.
Some of my thinking has changed over the past four decades; but, the standards
have not. Whether I am considering allowing my son to sign-up for a Facebook account, or choosing a topic to
research for school, I first have to be clear in my own thinking and accurate
with what I present. Many times, critical thinking leads to unpopular
decisions; but, I hold fast in a loving way that I never knew with my own
mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment