Beware
of Nkali
McKay,
Davis, and Fanning (2009) begin a discussion about messages by beginning with
an essential element required so as to avoid discouraging “potential friends
and lovers” (p. 5). The critical factor is listening. When faced with two roads
diverging in a forest, listening is the difference between walking that road
alone or with those who are not only “drawn to you”; but, they seek to “confide
in you” and deepen friendships (McKay et al., 209, p. 5). As proffered by McKay et al. (2009), “It’s dangerous not to listen!” (p. 5). Not listening leads to that
which McKay et al. (2009) refer to as the “twelve blocks to listening” (p. 9). As
I watched the TEDGlobal (2009) presentation, featuring Chimamanda Ngozi
Adichie, it struck me she was providing an explanation for many of these
blocks.
Adichie
begins by recalling the many stories she read as a child (TEDGlobal, 2009). I
found it strange a presentation that focused on storytelling would begin with
reading; but, then it hit me. When we enjoy the solitude of a good book,
whether that book convinces a young girl from Nigeria she is as those characters
that “played in the snow … ate apples…” or marveled how the sun appeared, or
whether books eventually change long-held beliefs and perceptions, we are an
audience of one listening as the voice in our head gives life and meaning to
the words on the page (TEDGlobal, 2009). As Adichie continued, the blocks
became visible; and, “The Danger of a Single Story” became clear (TEDGlobal,
2009).
As
is my practice, I review material, take notes, and then I step away from it to
allow the information to process. McKay et al. (2009) list twelve blocks that
prevent us from becoming good listeners: comparing, mind reading, rehearsing,
filtering, judging, dreaming, identifying, advising, sparring, being right,
derailing, and placating. While Adichie’s words swirled about in my head, I
attended a memorial service for a dear friend. As I walked up to the Daytona
State College Amphitheater at the Flagler/Palm Coast Campus, I saw Jason, a fellow
alumnus; but, more importantly, a good friend. As we hugged and exchanged
greetings, the images painted throughout Adichie’s story flooded my thought
process. Adichie tells of the day she met her college roommate; and, based on
how the American girl viewed Adichie, her mind quickly conveyed words such that
judgements included verbal requests to listen to Adichie’s “tribal music” along
with queries as to how Adichie, from the “country” of Africa, was able “to
speak English so well” (TEDGlobal, 2009). Here I was, awaiting the commencement
of the memorial service, and the initial judgement I had made of Jason was not
only staring me in the face, it embraced me.
Jason
is about ten years younger than I am. Each of us had returned to college to
expand our education. I first met him during the Spring Semester of 2010. We
were students in College Algebra. Whalen (2007) advises “most people are
visually oriented … they want messages in pictures” (p. 37). Jason stands about
5’10”. His head is completely shaved. He wears wire-rimmed glasses, smokes
cigarillos, and completes his fashion statement by adorning his arms, legs, and
neck with tattoos; and, inserting plugs into his ear lobes. The words I said to
myself as my eyes took in this visual led to judging; and, had I not been able
to “evaluate it” and eventually avoid the block, the embrace so welcomed and so
very much needed from a good friend would not have been there (McKay et al.,
2009, p. 16).
Just
as Locke had judged the African people and referred to them as “beasts who have
no houses” and a “people without heads, having their mouths and eyes in their
breasts”, I had judged Jason as an obvious non-conformist, who stood ready to
rebel against all of my predetermined stereotypes of the model College Algebra
student (TEDGlobal, 2009). I remember thinking he was probably a slacker and I
would make sure not to be a part of team of which he was included. Adichie
speaks of “an Igbo word”, known as “nkali” which means “to be greater than
another” (TEDGlobal, 2009). McKay et al. (2009) caution “negative labels have
enormous power” and this leads us to classify people as “stupid or nuts or
unqualified” (p. 10). I had done this. I could not imagine that Jason would
grasp the concept of College Algebra. Little could I know that he would be the
one to not only tutor me; he would reinforce that life lesson to never judge a
book by its cover.
For
the remainder of the term, Jason would drive in from the western part of
Flagler County to the coffee shop housed in the now closed Books-A-Million. He
gave up his Saturday mornings with his family to help six students. He would
spend at least two hours going over that week’s materials and lessons. He had
the ability to take a complicated process and present it in a way that helped
me to understand. As the semester progressed, Jason and I began to compete with
each other to see who would receive the highest score on our tests. At the end
of the semester, I had surpassed him with grades. That summer, we each took College
Statistics; and, again, found ourselves in competition. If I had allowed my
visual to block my ability to listen to Jason, I would not have been able to
hear him as he carefully guided me through a few difficult principles of
College Algebra. He was able to help me expand my understanding of complicated
equations; more importantly, he helped me to expand my circle of friends.
Adichie ends her story with a single thought, “when we reject the single story,
when we realize that there is never a single story about any place, we regain a
kind of paradise” (TEDGlobal, 2009). Similarly, when we reject a single story that
has been created by solely listening to the voice in our head as it provides words
to describe an image before us, we open our minds to the possibilities of
learning from someone we had initially rejected; and in so doing, not only
to we gain a friend, we strengthen a bond acknowledged and reinforced with a simple embrace
each time we meet.
References
McKay, M., Davis, M., &
Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The
Communication Skills Book.
Oakland,
CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
TEDGlobal. (2009, July).
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: The danger of a single story.
[Video
file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story/transcript ?language=en#t-1103146
Whalen, D.J. (2007). The Professional Communications Toolkit. Thousand
Oaks, CA. Sage
Publications,
Inc.
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