A
Grandmother to a Young Mother
Denning
(2011) observes “Stories focus on anomalies – events that go counter to
expectations” (p. 184). Simple expectations, the sun rising, cool fall breezes
after long, hot summer days, and flight delays, are not stories; yet, much of
what we learn, our abstract and tacit understanding, comes through that of
narratives, stories (Denning, 2011). The experience of passing on knowledge
through stories can be as mundane as the stories a repairman receives on a
daily basis, or, as noted by Duarte, stories allow for inner ideas to be
unleashed and bring about change as exhibited by the stories of Steve Jobs and
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (TEDxEast, 2011). McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009)
advise expressing one’s feelings is “the most difficult part of communication”
(p. 37). Perhaps this is why knowledge stories differ from those that typically
follow Aristotle’s “well-made story” (Denning, 2011, p. 188). Such stories tend
to address subjects and roadblocks and how each was addressed and subsequently
overcome (Denning, 2011). While most knowledge-sharing stories focus on
failures and what can be learned from failure, positive toned stories provide
lessons that are “immensely valuable” (Denning, 2011, p. 188). Such was the
case with many of the stories my grandmother would tell me.
My
grandmother lived much of her life in Big Stone Gap, Virginia. She and my
grandfather would not move to Florida until after my father had returned from
Korea, found work in Florida, and had saved enough to move them from Virginia.
She and my grandfather experienced life through the lens of the Great
Depression. As a matter of fact, my father, her first-born, was born in
September of 1930. My aunt and uncle followed in 1939 and 1948, respectively.
She lived during a time when daycare was unheard of and taking care of
children, along with one’s daily chores was a given, not the exception. Mothers
often spent their days cooking, cleaning, washing, mending, and tending to
tasks outside of the home, such as, in my grandmother’s case, farm chores. Her
family had a garden, upon which they depended; so, part of her responsibilities
included maintaining the garden: tilling, planting, weeding, and harvesting.
Crying babies, although a normal part of the story of motherhood, were not a
reason for work to come to a grinding halt in order to tend to the baby.
I
was nineteen when my daughter was born. I remember my Aunt Jo coming to visit
me once I had brought her home. After feeding her, I would often sit and just
hold her. I would cuddle her for what seemed like hours, marveling at each
perfect little finger, toes, and smile. My aunt had tried to warn me of the consequences
from holding her too much. I was nineteen and knew it all; so, I chose to not
heed her advice. That decision would soon catch up with me. As I recall, my
daughter was about three months old when I took her to visit her
great-grandmother. By this time, my aunt’s words of wisdom were now coming back
and the consequences of holding a child too much were taking their toll on me.
My daughter had come to expect the long moments of cuddling after feeding and
let her needs be known through bouts of long, loud crying. By the time I walked
through my grandmother’s door, I had not slept in a very long time; neither
could I tend to any of my household chores. It was my grandmother who would
eventually reveal the secret I needed in order to survive my first child.
I
am a huge fan of Sex and the City;
and, although I did not follow the series during its regular season schedule,
re-runs have allowed me to enjoy. One particular episode comes to mind as I
reflect. Miranda has given birth to Brady and he cries on what seems like a
continual basis. Like me, Miranda would hold Brady for long stretches after
feedings. At one point during the show, Miranda is having lunch with Charlotte,
Carrie, and Samantha. Miranda looks like I felt so many years ago. Her hair is
a mess. Her clothes, as Miranda puts it, smell like barf, and she cannot get
anything done. Miranda finally gets relief when a neighbor, who has gone
unnoticed by Miranda, knocks on the door at two in the morning, chastises
Miranda for not being able to quiet her child, and then follows up the next day
with a baby rocker that vibrates. As the show ends, Samantha has volunteered to
give Miranda a much needed break by babysitting Brady and giving Miranda her
long awaited hair appointment so Miranda can enjoy. The baby rocker’s vibrating
mechanism malfunctions. Samantha is able to take her newly purchased neck
massager, put it between the baby and the rocker seat, and keep Brady happy.
My
grandmother came from a time when vibrating baby rockers did not exist. In
fact, much of today’s baby “necessities” were neither necessary nor available.
She, like my aunt, had learned that if a baby was dry, fed, and otherwise not
ill, a little crying was good; and, they would eventually tire and go to sleep.
My grandmother had work to do and did not have time to carry a baby throughout
the day. My grandmother saw that I was struggling and rather repeat the advice
of my aunt; she found another way to share her story. My grandmother loved to
sew. She could make anything; and, since he funds were often limited, she often
learned to make do with what she had. On this particular day, she had offered
to show me how to make a bottle holder. She took one of my daughter’s favorite
stuffed toys, one that was small enough to be cradled on her stomach, and sewed
a piece of elastic to it so the elastic formed a circle. She had measured the
elastic to make sure it would accommodate a standard baby bottle. When my
daughter awoke and was ready for her next feeding, I followed my grandmother’s
instructions. I propped my daughter’s head on a pillow, I placed the bottle in
the elastic, I turned the bottle so it was cradled by the toy, I placed the toy
on my daughter’s stomach, and she did what my grandmother has expected; she
grabbed on to the toy and bottle and drank her milk, without having to be
cradled.
That
first day, I simple watched with amazement. With each passing day, I would
repeat the process, and while she was eating, I could tend to chores around the
house. She learned I did not have to hold her with each feeding; and, so her
demands to be held subsided. Putting her down at night became easier, too. It was
an amazingly simple lesson I had learned while not only sewing with my
grandmother, I had learned it in a positive way, as opposed to the dire
consequences foretold by my aunt.
My
grandmother had been able to take a mundane event, feeding a baby, and
demonstrated a lesson my aunt had tried to convey with just words through a
loving event between a granddaughter and her grandmother. I remember as we
sewed together that day, she talked about raising three children during the
Great Depression. She could not afford the very basic of baby items; yet, she
found a way. She was able to explain why women could not afford to stop and
just hold their babies. Work, vital work, had to be done; so, ways that helped
entertain the child and free up the mother’s time were developed and
implemented. Simple solutions that actually worked. She was able to share what
she saw, thought, felt, and needed in a manner that was not as direct and
challenging as my aunt (McKay et al., 2009). She and I were able to share our
feelings of being new mothers and that helped to strengthen an intimacy that
had existed for years (McKay et al., 2009). I have since made the same bottle
holder for my two sons, as well as my grandchildren. My grandmother passed on
an incredibly valuable lesson to me, her inner idea changed my world for the better. Her lesson and idea are ones that I have been not only been able to
share; they represent a story I truly enjoy remembering.
References
Denning, S. (2011). The Leader’s Guide to Storytelling:
Mastering the Art and Discipline of
Business Narrative. San
Francisco, CA. Jossey-Bass.
McKay, M., Davis, M., &
Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The
Communication Skills Book.
Oakland,
CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
TEDxEast. (2011,
Nov.). Nancy Duarte: The secret structure of great talks. [Video file]. Retrieved from
