The
Eyes Tell All
McKay,
Davis, and Fanning (2009) state “You can’t “not communicate” with others” (p.
60). Truer words were never written. I’m reminded of Eagles’ lyrics, “honey you
can’t you’re your lyin’ eyes”. Think about instances where our parents caught
us telling a fib. How about when those closest to us knew something was wrong,
even though we adamantly denied the same (McKay et al., 2009). Just as animals
can sense danger, or compatibility by posturing, sounds, and movements from
other animals; so, too, can humans. Albert Mehrabian (1981) notes 93% of human
messaging comes from a combination of vocal and body movements (as cited in
McKay et al., 2009). How many times have we watched a movie only to hear a
character say ‘your words say no; but, your eyes say yes’? Why is that so true?
McKay et al. (2009) define this as incongruence with our spoken words and our
body language; and, it happens to all of us.
I
recently met a woman through a local club. For the sake of telling the story,
the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I knew of Sally’s particular
political affiliation; but, had filed that away for future use. I cannot
remember if she ever asked for my affiliation; but, I usually provide that,
before engaging in political conversations as I find it provides a sense of
relaxation, thereby eliminating the need to have my body language match my
words. It was a brief encounter; yet, that was long enough for her to make a
generalized statement about all members of a specific political party. Although
I tried to be gracious, my eyes, eyebrows, hands, and arms had alerted her to
my feelings, before I uttered one single word (McKay et al., 2009). I felt my
eyes open wide, while my eyebrows went up, thereby smoothing out my forehead,
and my arms crossed with my hands firmly grasped around my arms just above my
elbows. The statement implied that all members of this group acted out of
ignorance and shared a common goal of exclusion. Quite honestly, I am surprised
my mouth did not fall wide open, too; but, I was able to catch that tell. I
know I took a deep breath in so that I could formulate a polite response. I am
quite certain that as I exhaled, an audible sound came from each nostril,
similar to Maleficent’s dragon, absent the fire. Although McKay et al. (2009)
describe “short gasps for air” as an indication of “built-up tension”, I know
my slow inhale, and subsequent holding of that breath was my way of allowing
that tension to release before speaking (p. 64).
To
this day, I do not recall my exact words to Sally. They made little difference.
I think I may have quipped something to the effect, “Not all of us have yet to
achieve that complete oneness with
the party”. She knew in an instant I was not happy with her remarks and a bit
taken aback. I do know my paralanguage elements of tone and resonance was low, which
indicates strength and firmness (McKay et al., 2009). I wasn’t loud as I did
understand she was not directing the remarks to me personally. I do have a Southern
drawl; but, I did not deliver my response with any added twang. I can actually
thank a telephone customer service training program I took many moons ago for
my ability to exit the conversation without hurting a friend.
While
working for an Orlando based insurance company, our office had started to experience
an increase in customer service telephone calls. Some employees were not handling
the calls correctly, especially those from irate policyholders. Human resources
scheduled a training class. I remember the instructor advising of the
importance to develop and maintain a monotone voice level when speaking with
upset customers. The idea was to allow the customer to erupt, much like a
volcano, while remaining calm and essentially talking them down from the cliff
of rudeness. Although I could not see the faces of the customers, their voices
provided all I needed to understand their feelings. Upset customers often had
high pitch and resonance (McKay et al., 2009). They did not lack any abilities
to articulate their displeasure and usually did so with an up tempo. Voices
were often loud and emphasis on certain words was expected. It is probably a
good thing they could not see my face while I talked them down.
My
words and expressions would have certainly been incongruent; yet, that lesson,
along with the lessons outlined by McKay et al. (2009), has helped me to
communicate more effectively. I have found that by nodding my head in the affirmative
while listening, and by maintaining eye contact, I am able to think about what
the speaker is saying. I can then begin to formulate a reply in my head and
hopefully avoid the giveaways; but, there are times, that regardless of how
well we rehearse and prepare statements will catch us by surprise, and as McKay
et al. (2009) state, our eyes will tell all and let our true feelings escape.
References
McKay, M., Davis, M., &
Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The
Communication Skills Book.
Oakland,
CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment