No
Strangers Here
William
Butler Yeats wrote, “There are no strangers here; only friends you haven’t met
yet” (QuoteHD, n.d.). McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) provide, “The world is
full of interesting strangers” (p. 205). Potential friends and lovers pass by
us in the halls, sit and eat with us at restaurants, wait in line with us, and
even perform customer care services; yet, once eyes meet, or contact is made,
we “shyly slide away” (McKay et al., 2009, p. 205). The obvious question is
why? Why do we hesitate to break the ice? What is about “the art of beginnings”
we fear (McKay et al., 2009, p. 205)? Do we fear what others will think, or,
worse, do we fear rejection (McKay et al., 2009)?
McKay
et al. (2009) proffer fear is derived from one of two sources: an antiquated
model from the 1800s that frowned upon contact with strangers without proper
introductions; or, our “own self-depreciating internal monologue” that assigns
self-imposed feelings of inferiority, untrustworthiness, and unattractiveness (McKay
et al., 2009, p. 205). Further, Jacobs (2012) notes increasing social networks
provide a safe haven for those whose internal monologue maintains an upper
hand. Social media allows those who fear that initial contact to “listen… and
chime in on” their own terms; yet, there is no substitution for face-to-face
contact and the ability to “work the room” (Jacobs, 2012). Our ability to cope
with our fear and experience an event as one of exhilaration that broadens our
circle, rather than one that is a complete, and utterly “boring waste of time”
begins with an understanding of why we fear contact and how we may overcome it
(Jacobs, 2012).
Although
I have years behind me, and contrary to jokingly, snide remarks my family and
friends would make, my fear of contact is not derived from the 1800s, although
I do sometimes marvel at the fashions of the period; but, that’s a conversation
for another time. A portion of my fear, which inhibits my ability to “work the
room”, stems from how I was raised. My parents came from a generation in which
children were preferred to be seen and not heard; and, they continued that
tradition with their parenting practices. I can remember as far back as my
early childhood. I would listen intently to the adults as they spoke; but, many
times, my attempts to enter the conversation were shut down because of my young
age. Often times, I was told to go play, or find something else to do while the
adults visited. The other factor that contributes greatly to my present day
inability is that of my height.
My
mother was short in stature. As I recall, she was 4’9”. As a child, I was
always short for my age. During elementary school, and to some extend junior
high, I learned to deal with my height by saying I had not yet reached my
growing spurt. That argument worked until ninth grade, at which point most of
my girlfriends had not only grown in height, they had started to mature in
other areas one would expect from a ninth grade girl. I had not yet experienced
these changes. Kids can be quite cruel at times. More often than not I was
chastised and told to return to elementary school. In addition to being kept
away from conversations, I was often kept from social sports, like four-square.
Talk about feeling inferior and unworthy! Years of receiving the same response
greatly affected my body language. Often times, I failed to make and keep eye
contact. I moved away from people, did not smile, and kept my arms crossed
(McKay et al., 2009). I did find friends. They were much like me in that the
popular group found physical flaws with them, too. We were able to connect and
are still in touch, today. For me, a room filled with people is much akin to
the popular clicks from high school.
With
self-analysis complete, McKay et al. (2009) offer guidance as to how to avoid
self-imposed judgmental labels. Reframing rejection, dealing with rejection,
and planning to be rejected are but a few suggestions. Jacobs (2012) provides ten
tips that marry nicely with McKay et al. (2009) and the steps needs to enjoy
the art of conversation:
1)
Go with a purpose
2)
Use inside contacts
3)
Be a lone ranger
4)
Get the lay of the land
5)
Know your body language
6)
Break the ice
7)
Mind your handshake
8)
Use open-ended questions
9)
Easy on the business cards
10)
Be generous
I recognize my tendency to allow
those old fears to impact my ability to work the room. Honestly, there are
times I would be quite happy sitting, as I did as a child, and watch the others
interact. It was amazing what I was able to learn by simply listening. Today,
when I travel to meetings or gatherings, I choose which to attend, and I make
it a practice to meet at least three new people, obtain their business card,
and send a follow-up e-mail to them after the event. Many events are hosted by
the local Chamber of Commerce. I have a dear friend who acts as not only my
inside contact, he knows of my fear and will introduce me to many new people
whom he knows. This helps me to avoid staying with people I know, throughout
the event, and take on the mask of the lone ranger (Jacobs, 2012). Before
breaking the ice, which according to McKay et al. (2009) is nothing more than “to
start talking”, I take note of other groups and if their conversations appear
to be private, or, if they are open to another joining in. With women, I can
give a compliment by commenting on shoes, handbags, or their outfit. With men,
humor, current events, and sports provide many icebreakers (McKay et al.,
2009). I enjoy speaking with others. I enjoy listening. It helps me to ask
open-ended questions, thereby learning more. I try to remember little things so
that if I meet these same folks, I already have information with which to
further our relationship. I am quite generous and enjoy helping others without
expecting something in return (Jacobs, 2012). I think that goes back to my childhood,
too.
As
I attend more and more events, the art of conversation and the ability to make
that initial contact becomes easier and easier. My father used to tell me the
way to Carnegie Hall was to “practice, practice, practice”. My ability to
listen and willingness to share information about myself help me to finally
engage in something I love, the art of conversation. Most of the working the
room conversations remain at the second level of self-disclosure, “thoughts,
feelings, and needs”; however, each time we share just a little bit more, relationships
grow and fears disappear (McKay et al., 2009, p. 215). Yes, “waking into a room
full of strangers can be intimidating”; but, when curiosity no longer leads to
prying, the conversation is essentially finished and a graceful exit is sought
(Jacobs, 2012; McKay et al., 2009). As for me, I fought for years to become a
part of so many conversations. A little fear, although ever present, is simply
not enough to deter me from making that connection and having that chat.
References
Jacobs, D.L. (2012, Feb 29). How To Work A Room Like You Own
The Place. In Personal
Finance Forbes.com. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2012/02/29/how-to-work-a-room-like-you- own-the-place/
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Negotiation.
In Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA. New
Harbinger Publications, Inc.
QuoteHD. (n.d.). Stranger
Quotes. Retrieved from
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