A Mother’s Love
It has been
forty-one years since a typical school morning changed the life of a then
fourteen year old girl. Our house, complete with a full basement, quite an
unusual find in the State of Florida, much less that of the small, sleepy town
of DeBary, sat on a three quarter acre lot and overlooked a beautiful body of
water known as Lake of the Woods. My father had purchased two wooded lots up
the road from the house. The plan was for my mother and him to build their
dream A-frame home. My mother had been planning for that house for as long as I
can remember. She clipped magazine photos of decorating ideas. She had started
to buy items, like drapery and curtains; items she would find on sale. The morning
of April 2, 1974 brought that dream, along many dreams neither dreamed nor
realized, to an end.
LaFollette
(2007) teaches “A Tale of Two Theories” (p. 22). Both consequentialism, the
choice presented to us when faced with a moral decision that results in “the
best overall consequences, and deontology, acts of behavior dictated by “moral
rules or rights… at least partly independent of consequences” provide
methodologies for looking at ethical issues and deciding how one should act
(LaFollette, 2007, p. 22). Each provides us with a series of questions to be
asked to determine both consequences and their respective weight, or, if there
is a sufficient negative rule, a don’t, taught as a child that would preclude
us from engaging in a particular behavior such as: lying, sexual harassment, or
the consideration of capital punishment (LaFollette, 2007). Consequentialists believe
“we are morally obligated to act in ways that produce the best consequences”
while deontologists contend “”most of us were taught morality as a set of rules”
which not only impose “strict moral limits on what we can do to others”; these
rules guide us to “do the right thing… for the right reasons” (LaFollette,
2007, p. 24, 31).
Years often
go by without my thoughts returning to that April morning. Our front living
room overlooked the lake and we would often open the windows during the summer
to take advantage of the breezes coming in from across the lake. Throughout the
night you could hear the leaves in the trees rustle, crickets chirp, frogs
croak, especially after a summer rain, and fish periodically splash. It was a
nightly melody that assured sound sleep every night. Many times, my mother
would put blankets and pillows down on the floor so my brother and I could
sleep without being awakened to go to our beds. Such was the case on the night
of April 1. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, or, at least my memory doesn’t
recall. My mother had failed to awaken in time to get my brother and me ready
for school. She had fallen asleep on the sofa. I remember first calling her
name to wake her. I then nudged her on her shoulder and called her name. Her
breathing was labored, her skin was clammy to the touch, the color from her
face had drained, and with each passing call for her to wake up, my voice level
rose. I sent my brother to our neighbors across the street for help. The
father, Mr. Piccone, was a volunteer fireman. While awaiting help, I tried and
tried to wake her up. I even slapped her face. Mr. Piccone and his wife called
for an ambulance. That was the last time I saw my mother alive.
I was later
told by my father, that when the ambulance reached the hospital in Sanford,
Florida, my mother’s doctor quipped, “She’s a nut, take her to Halifax”. Without
admitting her and checking her vitals, she was transported to Halifax Hospital
in Daytona Beach. It’s a good thirty minute drive under the best driving
conditions. I was told she suffered a drop in her blood sugar; and, as a
result, experienced brain damage. Had she lived, she would never be the mother
I knew. She died later that day. It would be years before my aunt would tell me
of her struggles with depression and mental health issues. I have often
wondered what she was thinking; and, having read LaFollette’s (2007) explanations
of two theories that offer guidance for ethical issues, I further question
what, if any considerations, she considered before deciding to end her life.
My parents
were separated at the time. This was the third marriage for my father. I know
my father was not a faithful husband. I had seen my mother struggle with this knowledge
for years. Velasquez, Andre, Shanks, S.J., and Meyer (2010) present replies to
questions asked by “sociologist Raymond Baumhart”. The answers range from “my
feelings tell me” what is “right or wrong” to “standards of behavior” accepted
by society (Velasquez et al., 2010). My mother was from a generation that not
believed adultery was wrong; she was taught to believe divorce was not
acceptable under any circumstance and was often equated with failure as a
woman. She was a religious woman. Could she not fathom the jeers and criticism
spoken in hushed tones by parishioners?
Applying
the theory of consequentialism, did she consider “morally relevant”
consequences (LaFollette, 2007, p.23)? Had she chosen to live, she would have
faced a divorce from my father, possible further isolation from his family, a
belief she had failed as a wife, the possible inability to provide for her
children, my father managed all of the finances, and a separation from her
children, either through an attainment of full custody by my father, or a visitation
schedule which would require time away from her to be spend with my father; all
of which, according to LaFollette (2007) would have affected her “significant
interests” (p. 25). What weight did she assign to these consequences? Both the
nature and number of her interests had increased possibilities of coming to
fruition (LaFollette, 2007). LaFollette (207) notes the “dominant form of consequentialism
– utilitarianism” espouses “the sole consequence we need to consider if
happiness” (p. 26). Did my mother, in a depressed state, while under the care
of a psychiatrist and prescribed medication, somehow deduce my brother and I
would be happier with my father, the stronger parent; and, that my father would
realize happiness by being freed from a marriage without the stigma of yet
another divorce; and, finally, she would be happy as all of her pain would be
gone? Would this “promote the greatest happiness of the greatest number”
(LaFollette, 2007, p. 27)? Or was my mother, as proffered by Tiatorio, n.d.),
acting “out of emotion rather than reason”?
Shneidman
(1976a) cites Dr. Richard Brandt’s, professor and chair for the University of
Michigan’s Department of Philosophy, considerations for suicide. Brandt states
three relevant positions with regards as to when suicide can be viewed as moral
(Shneidman, 1976a). Absent temporary insanity, if the person committing suicide
is “blameworthy” i.e., “the act had catastrophic consequences for survivors”;
then the act of suicide is objectionable (as cited Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). Brandt
continues with the second morally relevant position of whether suicide and
prohibitions are “absolute or relative” (as cited Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). Although
Brandt recognizes and rejects the stance, “nothing can justify a suicide”; he
favors the notion “the strong obligation not to commit suicide may be
overturned by other strong obligations” (as cited in Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101).
Did deontology enter my mother’s thoughts?
LaFollette
(2007) states as children we begin to learn morality through the teachings of a
list of rules. At first, we learn the very basics, such as ‘thou shalt not kill’.
Brandt confirms that religion teaches “men are creatures of God and only God
should terminate their existence” (as cited in Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). When
rules conflict, such as self-termination through suicide versus the rule ‘thou
shalt not kill’, deontologists revert to “primary rules” that “take precedence
over others” (LaFollette, 2007, p. 32). Was my mother confronted with what
Tiatorio (n.d.) refers to as “the underlying ethical creed” of today’s youth?
Did she view her decision as neither right nor wrong as she was the final judge
(Tiatorio, n.d.)? Kastenbaum proffers, “we prefer to think that death does have
a cause, that it is very important to know the cause, and that the cause can be
stated and understood in objective, rational terms” (as cited in Shneidman,
1976b, p. 106). Is this why society objects to suicide because the survivors
cannot state and understand the cause of death? If my mother had reached a
point in her life, and had a moment of rational thought, where she believed she
had “the right to determine the duration” of her life; and, she could end the
very real pain of losing her husband, her children, and a life she had come to
know and love at a time and place of her choosing; then was she not following
LaFollette’s (2007) “meta-rule” by believing it would be wrong to continue
living and failing to fulfill her obligations as a wife and mother (p. 32;
Shneidman, 1976b, p. 107)? Would I want this maxim, wives facing certain
divorce and impending separation from their children should commit suicide, to
become a universal law (LaFollette, 2007)? Certainly not and for that reason,
deontology fails; but, it did provide me with a different way to looking at
that which my mother faced.
I will
never know what finally brought my mother to the final decision she made. Was
she over-prescribed medication? Did the medication render her incapable of
making a rational decision? Did her depression constrict her ability to
consider other solutions, judge alternate probabilities, and decrease her
enthusiasm for an answer to a life without pain (Shneidman, 1976a)? I will
never know. Somehow the “mother/child relationship that riveted” Tiatorio’s
(n.d.) students had left her. Perhaps she supposed my brother and I would be
stronger and happier if raised by the stronger parent. Perhaps she knew my
grandmother and aunt would be there when a fourteen year old girl needed to ask
questions she herself could neither answer nor of which she could speak. I
believe she weighed the consequences and in the end, although it saddens me to
this day, she did that which she thought was right and for the right reason.
For years I assigned blame to her; but, having never walked in her shoes, I
finally realized I was never in a position to morally judge my mother.
References
LaFollette, H. (2007). The Practice of Ethics. Malden:
Blackwell Publishing.
Shneidman,
E. S., PhD. (1976a). The morality and rationality of suicide. Psychiatric Annals, 6(11), 101-102. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/docview/894194314?accountid= 27203
Shneidman,
E. S., PhD. (1976b). Suicide as the preferred way of death. Psychiatric
Annals, 6(11), 106-107.
Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/docview/894245735?accountid= 27203
Tiatorio, A. (n.d.). Ethics
Workbooks Philosophical Framework What is Ethics? Ethics in
Education. Retrieved
from http://www.ethicsineducation.com/intro.htm
Velasquez, M., Andre, C.,
Shanks, T., S.J., & Meyer, M.J. (2010). What is Ethics? Markkula
Center for Applied
Ethics – Santa Clara University. Retrieved from
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