A634.3.5.RB_MedleyKim_Here Lies a Former Leader

Here Lies a Former Leader

     What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive! These are the first words that collect as Kramer (2003) argues why the past few decades may well be regarded as the era when leaders believed the sky was the limit, they could fly as close to the sun as ever imagined, and failure was something of which philosophers wrote and pontificated. The Enron disaster certainly returned all of us to Earth, including those rising stars of industry, whose faces, having once “graced the covers of business magazines”, now met the unforgiving pavement of Wall Street that left them wondering if greed was good; then what went horribly wrong (Kramer, 2003, p. 58). Kramer chronicles the exploits that capture global headlines; but, what happens when that same fall from grace happens here at home?

     As reported by FlaglerLive (2015a), just weeks after her office was raided by The Florida Department of Law Enforcement, the ex-elections supervisor abruptly resigned her post. Within but a few months of that resignation, a grand jury would return twelve felony indictments against the same constitutional officer for Flagler County (FlaglerLive, 2015a). I well remember her seemingly meteoric rise. Her career began as a Deputy Clerk of Probate for the Flagler Clerk of Court. She, along with nine other clerks, had been unceremoniously fired in such a manner, that procedures for future employee terminations were either enhanced, or developed and implemented. For months, she doggedly pursued evidence against the Clerk of Court which led to an audit by the State of Florida Auditor General that found many irregularities for which processes and procedures have been developed by both the County Commission and Clerk’s office so as to implement the Auditor General’s recommendations. Having won what the former elections official considered a win against her former boss; she then decided to run for the office of Supervisor of Elections having been advised the incumbent would not seek re-election. It was a stunning and dramatic victory and was reaffirmed in 2012 when she won re-election to a second term; so, the resignation was all the more a curious event.

     Kramer (2003) points out leaders such as Ken Lay, Dennis Kozlowski, and Bernard Ebbers “prove adept at overcoming whatever obstacles they encounter along the way” (p. 58). The same can be said for the former supervisor. By any measure of business standards, those used by the former elections supervisor were unconventional, to say the least. However, if the points made by Kramer (2003) are to be given credence, then this constitutional officer certainly possessed the “incredible daring and flair” for not only flaunting rules and breaking from the herd of elected officials; she also epitomized the image of an “aggressive chief”, one who slammed “herself in the news with creative controversies largely of her making”, admired by society (FlaglerLive, 2015b; Kramer, 2003, p. 58). It would appear her flare for the dramatics and willingness to push the envelope led to the numerous indictments returned by the grand jury in May of this year.

     The grand jury found the former elections official had taped conversations of a county commissioner, the county attorney, the county judge, the clerk for the City of Palm Coast, and officials from the Florida Division of Elections, including the Secretary of State, Ken Detzner; and, she did so without their permission (FlaglerLive, 2015a). According to FlaglerLive (2015b), this former official “routinely downloaded the audio files to her computer, edited and then transcribed them”. Further, she disseminated the information; again, without permission (FlaglerLive, 2015a). Kramer (2003) observes the underpinning mentality of the “winner-take-all” leader as one that advocates in order to get ahead, one must do “things differently from ordinary people” (p. 61). Unlike Reginald Lewis, cited by Kramer (2003) as an excellent example for doing the unordinary, the only backdoor sought by the former elections supervisor was to gather what she thought to be incriminating evidence against many elected officials in order to apply leverage to the many battles taking place between her office and other county and city officials (FlaglerLive, 2015a). Lewis’ approach led him to the halls of Harvard (Kramer, 2003). The former supervisor’s methodology has led to an initial arrest and a long trial beginning January, 2016 (FlaglerLive, 2015a).

     Kramer (2003) concludes that while leaders should seek to be more reflective; often times they have a low sense of who they are and “remain curiously oblivious to many of their own tendencies that expose them to risk” (p. 66). I know of many leaders who tried to offer guidance, assistance, and sage advice to the former elections supervisor. I witnessed many of these interactions. I am often asked if there was ever any hint of the paranoia-like behavior that was exhibited almost from the beginning of her tenure. My answer is simply, No”. It seems as if Kramer’s (2003) “decades of research in the behavioral sciences” came to pass with this ex-leader, too (p. 66). She strived for and reached the top that once there she changed in ways that had neither been anticipated nor expected. As Kramer (2003) explains, he often has his students pen their own obituaries as a way to become more aware of what success can do to a person. I often wonder how this ex-elections supervisor would have written her obituary; unfortunately, the media will soon be adding to her political obituary.

References

FlaglerLive. (2015a, May 6). Grand Jury Indicts Ex-Election Supervisor Kimberle Weeks on

            12 Felony Counts Over Secret Recordings. Retrieved from

            http://flaglerlive.com/78276/kimberle-weeks-indicted/

FlaglerLive. (2015b, Oct. 23). Latest Kimberle Weeks Pre-Trial Again Continued to January.

            Retrieved from http://flaglerlive.com/86721/kimberle-weeks-pretrial/

Kramer, R.M. (2003, Oct.) The Harder They Fall. Harvard Business Review, 81(10), 58-66.

            Retrieved from             http://web.a.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid       =d0a065e6-b5e2-425b-a4e1-4ad59fd9160f%40sessionmgr4002&vid=1&hid=4109

A634.2.4.RB_MedleyKim_A Mother's Love

A Mother’s Love

            It has been forty-one years since a typical school morning changed the life of a then fourteen year old girl. Our house, complete with a full basement, quite an unusual find in the State of Florida, much less that of the small, sleepy town of DeBary, sat on a three quarter acre lot and overlooked a beautiful body of water known as Lake of the Woods. My father had purchased two wooded lots up the road from the house. The plan was for my mother and him to build their dream A-frame home. My mother had been planning for that house for as long as I can remember. She clipped magazine photos of decorating ideas. She had started to buy items, like drapery and curtains; items she would find on sale. The morning of April 2, 1974 brought that dream, along many dreams neither dreamed nor realized, to an end.

            LaFollette (2007) teaches “A Tale of Two Theories” (p. 22). Both consequentialism, the choice presented to us when faced with a moral decision that results in “the best overall consequences, and deontology, acts of behavior dictated by “moral rules or rights… at least partly independent of consequences” provide methodologies for looking at ethical issues and deciding how one should act (LaFollette, 2007, p. 22). Each provides us with a series of questions to be asked to determine both consequences and their respective weight, or, if there is a sufficient negative rule, a don’t, taught as a child that would preclude us from engaging in a particular behavior such as: lying, sexual harassment, or the consideration of capital punishment (LaFollette, 2007). Consequentialists believe “we are morally obligated to act in ways that produce the best consequences” while deontologists contend “”most of us were taught morality as a set of rules” which not only impose “strict moral limits on what we can do to others”; these rules guide us to “do the right thing… for the right reasons” (LaFollette, 2007, p. 24, 31).

            Years often go by without my thoughts returning to that April morning. Our front living room overlooked the lake and we would often open the windows during the summer to take advantage of the breezes coming in from across the lake. Throughout the night you could hear the leaves in the trees rustle, crickets chirp, frogs croak, especially after a summer rain, and fish periodically splash. It was a nightly melody that assured sound sleep every night. Many times, my mother would put blankets and pillows down on the floor so my brother and I could sleep without being awakened to go to our beds. Such was the case on the night of April 1. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, or, at least my memory doesn’t recall. My mother had failed to awaken in time to get my brother and me ready for school. She had fallen asleep on the sofa. I remember first calling her name to wake her. I then nudged her on her shoulder and called her name. Her breathing was labored, her skin was clammy to the touch, the color from her face had drained, and with each passing call for her to wake up, my voice level rose. I sent my brother to our neighbors across the street for help. The father, Mr. Piccone, was a volunteer fireman. While awaiting help, I tried and tried to wake her up. I even slapped her face. Mr. Piccone and his wife called for an ambulance. That was the last time I saw my mother alive.

            I was later told by my father, that when the ambulance reached the hospital in Sanford, Florida, my mother’s doctor quipped, “She’s a nut, take her to Halifax”. Without admitting her and checking her vitals, she was transported to Halifax Hospital in Daytona Beach. It’s a good thirty minute drive under the best driving conditions. I was told she suffered a drop in her blood sugar; and, as a result, experienced brain damage. Had she lived, she would never be the mother I knew. She died later that day. It would be years before my aunt would tell me of her struggles with depression and mental health issues. I have often wondered what she was thinking; and, having read LaFollette’s (2007) explanations of two theories that offer guidance for ethical issues, I further question what, if any considerations, she considered before deciding to end her life.

            My parents were separated at the time. This was the third marriage for my father. I know my father was not a faithful husband. I had seen my mother struggle with this knowledge for years. Velasquez, Andre, Shanks, S.J., and Meyer (2010) present replies to questions asked by “sociologist Raymond Baumhart”. The answers range from “my feelings tell me” what is “right or wrong” to “standards of behavior” accepted by society (Velasquez et al., 2010). My mother was from a generation that not believed adultery was wrong; she was taught to believe divorce was not acceptable under any circumstance and was often equated with failure as a woman. She was a religious woman. Could she not fathom the jeers and criticism spoken in hushed tones by parishioners?

            Applying the theory of consequentialism, did she consider “morally relevant” consequences (LaFollette, 2007, p.23)? Had she chosen to live, she would have faced a divorce from my father, possible further isolation from his family, a belief she had failed as a wife, the possible inability to provide for her children, my father managed all of the finances, and a separation from her children, either through an attainment of full custody by my father, or a visitation schedule which would require time away from her to be spend with my father; all of which, according to LaFollette (2007) would have affected her “significant interests” (p. 25). What weight did she assign to these consequences? Both the nature and number of her interests had increased possibilities of coming to fruition (LaFollette, 2007). LaFollette (207) notes the “dominant form of consequentialism – utilitarianism” espouses “the sole consequence we need to consider if happiness” (p. 26). Did my mother, in a depressed state, while under the care of a psychiatrist and prescribed medication, somehow deduce my brother and I would be happier with my father, the stronger parent; and, that my father would realize happiness by being freed from a marriage without the stigma of yet another divorce; and, finally, she would be happy as all of her pain would be gone? Would this “promote the greatest happiness of the greatest number” (LaFollette, 2007, p. 27)? Or was my mother, as proffered by Tiatorio, n.d.), acting “out of emotion rather than reason”?

            Shneidman (1976a) cites Dr. Richard Brandt’s, professor and chair for the University of Michigan’s Department of Philosophy, considerations for suicide. Brandt states three relevant positions with regards as to when suicide can be viewed as moral (Shneidman, 1976a). Absent temporary insanity, if the person committing suicide is “blameworthy” i.e., “the act had catastrophic consequences for survivors”; then the act of suicide is objectionable (as cited Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). Brandt continues with the second morally relevant position of whether suicide and prohibitions are “absolute or relative” (as cited Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). Although Brandt recognizes and rejects the stance, “nothing can justify a suicide”; he favors the notion “the strong obligation not to commit suicide may be overturned by other strong obligations” (as cited in Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). Did deontology enter my mother’s thoughts?

            LaFollette (2007) states as children we begin to learn morality through the teachings of a list of rules. At first, we learn the very basics, such as ‘thou shalt not kill’. Brandt confirms that religion teaches “men are creatures of God and only God should terminate their existence” (as cited in Shneidman, 1976a, p. 101). When rules conflict, such as self-termination through suicide versus the rule ‘thou shalt not kill’, deontologists revert to “primary rules” that “take precedence over others” (LaFollette, 2007, p. 32). Was my mother confronted with what Tiatorio (n.d.) refers to as “the underlying ethical creed” of today’s youth? Did she view her decision as neither right nor wrong as she was the final judge (Tiatorio, n.d.)? Kastenbaum proffers, “we prefer to think that death does have a cause, that it is very important to know the cause, and that the cause can be stated and understood in objective, rational terms” (as cited in Shneidman, 1976b, p. 106). Is this why society objects to suicide because the survivors cannot state and understand the cause of death? If my mother had reached a point in her life, and had a moment of rational thought, where she believed she had “the right to determine the duration” of her life; and, she could end the very real pain of losing her husband, her children, and a life she had come to know and love at a time and place of her choosing; then was she not following LaFollette’s (2007) “meta-rule” by believing it would be wrong to continue living and failing to fulfill her obligations as a wife and mother (p. 32; Shneidman, 1976b, p. 107)? Would I want this maxim, wives facing certain divorce and impending separation from their children should commit suicide, to become a universal law (LaFollette, 2007)? Certainly not and for that reason, deontology fails; but, it did provide me with a different way to looking at that which my mother faced.

            I will never know what finally brought my mother to the final decision she made. Was she over-prescribed medication? Did the medication render her incapable of making a rational decision? Did her depression constrict her ability to consider other solutions, judge alternate probabilities, and decrease her enthusiasm for an answer to a life without pain (Shneidman, 1976a)? I will never know. Somehow the “mother/child relationship that riveted” Tiatorio’s (n.d.) students had left her. Perhaps she supposed my brother and I would be stronger and happier if raised by the stronger parent. Perhaps she knew my grandmother and aunt would be there when a fourteen year old girl needed to ask questions she herself could neither answer nor of which she could speak. I believe she weighed the consequences and in the end, although it saddens me to this day, she did that which she thought was right and for the right reason. For years I assigned blame to her; but, having never walked in her shoes, I finally realized I was never in a position to morally judge my mother.

References

LaFollette, H. (2007). The Practice of Ethics. Malden: Blackwell Publishing.

Shneidman, E. S., PhD. (1976a). The morality and rationality of suicide. Psychiatric Annals, 6(11),                 101-102. Retrieved from             http://search.proquest.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/docview/894194314?accountid=      27203

Shneidman, E. S., PhD. (1976b). Suicide as the preferred way of death. Psychiatric Annals, 6(11),             106-107. Retrieved from             http://search.proquest.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/docview/894245735?accountid=      27203

Tiatorio, A. (n.d.). Ethics Workbooks Philosophical Framework What is Ethics? Ethics in

            Education. Retrieved from http://www.ethicsineducation.com/intro.htm

Velasquez, M., Andre, C., Shanks, T., S.J., & Meyer, M.J. (2010). What is Ethics? Markkula

            Center for Applied Ethics – Santa Clara University. Retrieved from

            http://www.scu.edu/ethics/practicing/decision/whatisethics.html

A634.1.6.RB_MedleyKim_Everything I Need to Know About Ethics...

Everything I Need to Know About Ethics…

            One of my most favorite prints is both posted and commented by Susan (2008) and titled, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”. Every time I read it, I smile. Robert Fulghum, the author of the piece, observes if we take but a few of the listed lessons: playing fair, sharing with others, living a balanced life, cleaning up our own messes, and not taking from others; the lessons hold true regardless of our advancing age (as cited in Susan, 2008). Fulghum asks us to posit a world in which warm cookies and milk, with a nap to follow, is not only acceptable, it’s embraced (Susan, 2008). How many different cultures allow for just such a break? What if governments across the globe had at the core of their value system the basic of idea of cleaning up and leaving things as they were found or perhaps better than when found (Susan, 2008)? Could such simple lessons hold the key to reversing such trends and opinions as cited by Pastin (2013), including an underwhelming 21% of those surveyed who characterize “business executive as having “high” ethical standards”? If the answer is “Yes”; then, what can business schools do to help?

            Podolny (2009) pens society’s “intense rage… against big business… investment banks, credit-rating agencies”, central banks, and many prominent institutions upon which economies rely; including “business schools” (p. 62). Whereas courses ranging from arts to religion allow for the development of “critical thinking and moral reasoning”; business schools, in particular the studies required for the successful attainment of an MBA, have not only contributed to the “self-serving decisions” made by many of its graduates, they present a harm to society (Podolny, 2009, p. 63). How did such a prestigious degree arrive at today’s reputation? In an overly simplified answer, they forgot the simple lessons. While focusing on many of the ins and outs of statistics and economics, they forgot, or simply were no longer taught the “aware of wonder” (Susan, 2008). Fair play was replaced by the need to secure higher pay, at almost any cost. Apologies for harm and a willingness to clean up one’s own mess gave way to professions without ideals. In short, business students were taught and subsequently unleashed on society, with a focus that asked, “What can I do to make the most money?” instead of teaching and releasing professionals who sought that which they could do to change the world for the better (Podolny, 2009, p. 65). In order to address this trend, business schools must begin to adhere to the simple message from the “Dick-and-Jane books… LOOK” (Susan, 2008):

·       LOOK at teaching ethics and values with statistics and economic

·       LOOK at society’s view of right and wrong versus that of the school

·       LOOK at more than offering one ethics’ course

·       LOOK at continuing education in ethics

·       LOOK at long-term goals not “short-term drivers” such as rankings

·       LOOK at moral consequences of actions

·       LOOK at the school’s value system against that of society

·       LOOK at the core components of leadership: “principles, ethics, and attention to detail” – do students exhibit these traits?

·       LOOK at the benefits of team teaching where “hard” and “soft” controls put forward materials for each class

·       LOOK at and consider Quality over Quantity when research opportunities present

           As long as the focus is on mass producing MBA graduates with a prime directive of making the most money, business schools will continue to fall short and will forever be associated by society to the corporate greed and destruction that has harmed so many (Podolny, 2009). The situation has garnered enough attention that experts are beginning to call for the formation of a “code of conduct for MBAs” with a loss of credentials as the ultimate price to be paid for unethical behavior (Podolny, 2009, p. 67). Sounds promising. After all, returning to the sand box for a moment, when we did not share, wasn’t a discipline imposed? When we hurt someone, wasn’t a punishment expected? When we did not play fair, or cheated, were we not so lectured and warned? In a corporate world filled with pitfalls that can lead to self-interest, harm to others, and a lack of fair play, shouldn’t business schools be preparing students for that which “really goes on inside companies” and equip them with the proper knowledge and skills to reach ethical decisions, that, if asked, our kindergarten teacher would approve (Podolny, 2009)?

References

LaFollette, H. (2007). The Practice of Ethics. Malden: Blackwell Publishing.

Pastin, M. (2013, Nov. 11). The Different Ways People Handle Ethical Issues in the Workplace.

            In The Management Blog Bloomberg Business. Retrieved from

            http://www.bloomberg.com/bw/articles/2013-11-11/the-different-ways-people-handle-            ethical-issues-in-the-workplace

Podolny, J.M. (2009, June). The Buck Stops (and Starts) at Business School.

            Harvard Business Review, 87(6), 62-67.

Susan. (2008, Dec. 11). All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. [Web log

            comment]. Coronado Common Sense. Retrieved from

            http://coronadocommonsense.typepad.com/coronado_common_sense/2008/12/all-i-            really-need-to-know-i-learned-in-kindergarten.html

A521.9.4.RB_MedleyKim_Interactive: Leadership's Fifth Dimension

Interactive: Leadership’s Fifth Dimension

            The quest for knowledge is a never-ending journey. Just when one thinks he or she has a complete understanding of what a leader is leaders with volumes of stories demonstrate how a single, simple story changes and adds one more dimension to that of the concept of leadership, the dimension of storyteller. Whereas Yukl (2013) identifies and discusses leadership in terms of strategic, team, charismatic, transformational, and servant style; Denning (2011) not only adds one additional dimension, he adds five dimensions to a style he views as “interactive leadership” (p. 270). He describes this type of leader as one who “swims in the richness and complexity of living and thrives on the connections between things” (p. 269). These words, although not as powerful as the ones I recall from my days of watching Superman, “Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!” they nonetheless help to bolster the seemingly lacking super hero image of today’s leaders. Instead of opening shirts and revealing a magnificent “S”, Denning’s (2011) words allow this future leader to envision a bold red “I” for today’s interactive leaders as interaction is truly the key “to connect with the world in new ways” (p. 269).

            As I read the five dimensions of interactive leadership, three easily captured the part of me that “thrives on the connection between things” (Denning, 2011, p. 269). Denning (2011) likens the interactive mode of leadership to that of a palette in that this type of leader “adds and subtracts elements” from traditional leadership styles (p. 270). Immediately I saw an artist’s palette filled with colors from across the spectrum. An artist rarely dabbles with one single color while bringing his or her artistic vision to reality. Reds are mixed with yellows and blues. Water is sometimes added to dilute the brightness of a color. Black and white mix to become shades of gray that add depth and shadow to paintings. Why would we think the elements of leadership would remain separate and not mixed as colors from an artist’s palette? Interactive leaders are free to set aside “techniques of manipulation”, those used by “robber barons, hardball strategists, and spin artists” (Denning, 2011, p. 270). In a world where cries for openness, truthfulness, and trustworthiness are increasing, a palette is much preferred as it helps to paint an image of trust.

            The ability to add and subtract allows one to communicate who and what one stands for (Denning, 2011). The manner in which a leader views the world, speaks the truth, and views others all contribute to how he or she is viewed by others. A leader who explicitly demonstrates values and acts in accordance with the same, paves a path for those values to be shared and spread in a contagious fashion (Denning, 2011). An interactive leader, viewed from a super hero perch, facilitates innovation and allows “happy accidents to happen” (Denning, 2011, p. 271). What a wonderful super power to possess! Like any story, though, a super hero cannot remain static. Although his or her core values are unwavering, understandings can and should be broadened in order to maintain the interactive mode of leadership.

            I have often heard, “there’s more than one way to skin a cat”. Denning (2011) takes this same concept to demonstrate there are often many ways to accomplish the same goal and an interactive leader not only knows this; they benefit from it. Yukl (2013) notes one of many sought after competencies of leaders is emotional intelligence. Simply stated, emotional intelligence is the leader’s ability to “recognize moods and emotions” of others, control and channel one’s own emotions, and understand how one’s own moods evolve over time (Yukl, 2013, p. 151). Listening to the stories of others enhances a leader’s ability to build and strengthen his or her level of emotional intelligence (Denning, 2011). A good story, whether it’s a simple bedtime story told to a child, or a future story told in anticipation of causing and realizing a call to action, “depends on emotional intelligence” (Denning, 2011, p. 271).

            These three dimensions of Denning’s (2011) five, the other two consisting of working with the world and not against it, and a flattening of hierarchical authority, not only purport with my own belief system, they are three more tools discovered in the tool box of leadership. In my opinion, the human element from leadership, “viewpoints, emotions, and goals”, has been absent for quite some time 9Denning, 2011, p. 272). I believe this is why so many are attracted to the so-called outsiders of the 2016 Presidential candidates. The human element is on full display with Trump as he not only says that which he is thinking, he remains true to his own emotions by refusing to back down from a media that actively engages in “techniques of manipulation and winning regardless of cost” (Denning, 2011, p. 270). Trump is saying that which many have felt for years; but, because of political correctness, or fear of how expressions would be reported, have remained silent. How can anyone lead without the ability to respond appropriately in a given situation? I have always mixed colors, or added to and taken away from recipes. Looking at a leader’s ability to take elements from across the spectrum of leadership seems a natural fit for me. It makes sense to expand one’s ability rather than pigeon-holing by narrowly focusing on one particular style or method. Of the three, my favorite is listening to the same story from different narratives.

            Denning (2011) equates interactive leadership with that of a conversation “between equals” (p. 276). This hammers home the importance of listening. Whereas a controlling manager’s success would be based on the ability to simply deliver a message, the success of the interactive leader is based his or her ability to “interact with the audience and learn from their viewpoints” (Denning, 2011, p. 273). A controlling manager is unaware of the audience; but, an interactive manager is not only aware, his or her story provides for a responsiveness that can become contagious (Denning, 2011). Isn’t that what we want from telling a great story? Don’t we want our audience to go forth and re-tell the story?

            Being a leader, regardless of the style, is not easy and not meant for everyone. The power of storytelling, once mastered, provides “meaning as well as beauty” to the role of leadership (Denning, 2011, p. 289). I well remember watching John Wayne movies while growing up. In each movie, he often told a story; and, while I readily recognize they were well scripted stories, the way in which he delivered those stories made him seem to sit a bit taller in that saddle. He connected on a personal level, even with those whom he fought against. As Denning (2011) notes stories help us “come to terms with our past, our present, and our future”; and, these dimensions provide for a freedom that allows leaders to “simply be” (p. 289). Simply being me is much easier than selecting a style I’m not.

References

Denning, S. (2011). The Leader’s Guide to Storytelling: Mastering the Art and Discipline of

            Business Narrative. San Francisco, CA. Jossey-Bass.

Yukl, G. (2013). Leadership in Organizations. (8^th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.

A521.8.4.RB_MedleyKim_No_Strangers_Here

No Strangers Here

            William Butler Yeats wrote, “There are no strangers here; only friends you haven’t met yet” (QuoteHD, n.d.). McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) provide, “The world is full of interesting strangers” (p. 205). Potential friends and lovers pass by us in the halls, sit and eat with us at restaurants, wait in line with us, and even perform customer care services; yet, once eyes meet, or contact is made, we “shyly slide away” (McKay et al., 2009, p. 205). The obvious question is why? Why do we hesitate to break the ice? What is about “the art of beginnings” we fear (McKay et al., 2009, p. 205)? Do we fear what others will think, or, worse, do we fear rejection (McKay et al., 2009)?

            McKay et al. (2009) proffer fear is derived from one of two sources: an antiquated model from the 1800s that frowned upon contact with strangers without proper introductions; or, our “own self-depreciating internal monologue” that assigns self-imposed feelings of inferiority, untrustworthiness, and unattractiveness (McKay et al., 2009, p. 205). Further, Jacobs (2012) notes increasing social networks provide a safe haven for those whose internal monologue maintains an upper hand. Social media allows those who fear that initial contact to “listen… and chime in on” their own terms; yet, there is no substitution for face-to-face contact and the ability to “work the room” (Jacobs, 2012). Our ability to cope with our fear and experience an event as one of exhilaration that broadens our circle, rather than one that is a complete, and utterly “boring waste of time” begins with an understanding of why we fear contact and how we may overcome it (Jacobs, 2012).

            Although I have years behind me, and contrary to jokingly, snide remarks my family and friends would make, my fear of contact is not derived from the 1800s, although I do sometimes marvel at the fashions of the period; but, that’s a conversation for another time. A portion of my fear, which inhibits my ability to “work the room”, stems from how I was raised. My parents came from a generation in which children were preferred to be seen and not heard; and, they continued that tradition with their parenting practices. I can remember as far back as my early childhood. I would listen intently to the adults as they spoke; but, many times, my attempts to enter the conversation were shut down because of my young age. Often times, I was told to go play, or find something else to do while the adults visited. The other factor that contributes greatly to my present day inability is that of my height.

            My mother was short in stature. As I recall, she was 4’9”. As a child, I was always short for my age. During elementary school, and to some extend junior high, I learned to deal with my height by saying I had not yet reached my growing spurt. That argument worked until ninth grade, at which point most of my girlfriends had not only grown in height, they had started to mature in other areas one would expect from a ninth grade girl. I had not yet experienced these changes. Kids can be quite cruel at times. More often than not I was chastised and told to return to elementary school. In addition to being kept away from conversations, I was often kept from social sports, like four-square. Talk about feeling inferior and unworthy! Years of receiving the same response greatly affected my body language. Often times, I failed to make and keep eye contact. I moved away from people, did not smile, and kept my arms crossed (McKay et al., 2009). I did find friends. They were much like me in that the popular group found physical flaws with them, too. We were able to connect and are still in touch, today. For me, a room filled with people is much akin to the popular clicks from high school.

            With self-analysis complete, McKay et al. (2009) offer guidance as to how to avoid self-imposed judgmental labels. Reframing rejection, dealing with rejection, and planning to be rejected are but a few suggestions. Jacobs (2012) provides ten tips that marry nicely with McKay et al. (2009) and the steps needs to enjoy the art of conversation:

1)               Go with a purpose

2)               Use inside contacts

3)               Be a lone ranger

4)               Get the lay of the land

5)               Know your body language

6)               Break the ice

7)               Mind your handshake

8)               Use open-ended questions

9)               Easy on the business cards

10)           Be generous

I recognize my tendency to allow those old fears to impact my ability to work the room. Honestly, there are times I would be quite happy sitting, as I did as a child, and watch the others interact. It was amazing what I was able to learn by simply listening. Today, when I travel to meetings or gatherings, I choose which to attend, and I make it a practice to meet at least three new people, obtain their business card, and send a follow-up e-mail to them after the event. Many events are hosted by the local Chamber of Commerce. I have a dear friend who acts as not only my inside contact, he knows of my fear and will introduce me to many new people whom he knows. This helps me to avoid staying with people I know, throughout the event, and take on the mask of the lone ranger (Jacobs, 2012). Before breaking the ice, which according to McKay et al. (2009) is nothing more than “to start talking”, I take note of other groups and if their conversations appear to be private, or, if they are open to another joining in. With women, I can give a compliment by commenting on shoes, handbags, or their outfit. With men, humor, current events, and sports provide many icebreakers (McKay et al., 2009). I enjoy speaking with others. I enjoy listening. It helps me to ask open-ended questions, thereby learning more. I try to remember little things so that if I meet these same folks, I already have information with which to further our relationship. I am quite generous and enjoy helping others without expecting something in return (Jacobs, 2012). I think that goes back to my childhood, too.

            As I attend more and more events, the art of conversation and the ability to make that initial contact becomes easier and easier. My father used to tell me the way to Carnegie Hall was to “practice, practice, practice”. My ability to listen and willingness to share information about myself help me to finally engage in something I love, the art of conversation. Most of the working the room conversations remain at the second level of self-disclosure, “thoughts, feelings, and needs”; however, each time we share just a little bit more, relationships grow and fears disappear (McKay et al., 2009, p. 215). Yes, “waking into a room full of strangers can be intimidating”; but, when curiosity no longer leads to prying, the conversation is essentially finished and a graceful exit is sought (Jacobs, 2012; McKay et al., 2009). As for me, I fought for years to become a part of so many conversations. A little fear, although ever present, is simply not enough to deter me from making that connection and having that chat.

References

Jacobs, D.L. (2012, Feb 29). How To Work A Room Like You Own The Place. In Personal

            Finance Forbes.com. Retrieved from             http://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2012/02/29/how-to-work-a-room-like-you-     own-the-place/

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Negotiation. In Messages: The Communication          Skills Book. Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

QuoteHD. (n.d.). Stranger Quotes. Retrieved from

            http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/words/Strangers

A521.7.4.RB_Medley_Kim_A_Grandmother_to_a_Young_Mother

A Grandmother to a Young Mother

            Denning (2011) observes “Stories focus on anomalies – events that go counter to expectations” (p. 184). Simple expectations, the sun rising, cool fall breezes after long, hot summer days, and flight delays, are not stories; yet, much of what we learn, our abstract and tacit understanding, comes through that of narratives, stories (Denning, 2011). The experience of passing on knowledge through stories can be as mundane as the stories a repairman receives on a daily basis, or, as noted by Duarte, stories allow for inner ideas to be unleashed and bring about change as exhibited by the stories of Steve Jobs and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (TEDxEast, 2011). McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) advise expressing one’s feelings is “the most difficult part of communication” (p. 37). Perhaps this is why knowledge stories differ from those that typically follow Aristotle’s “well-made story” (Denning, 2011, p. 188). Such stories tend to address subjects and roadblocks and how each was addressed and subsequently overcome (Denning, 2011). While most knowledge-sharing stories focus on failures and what can be learned from failure, positive toned stories provide lessons that are “immensely valuable” (Denning, 2011, p. 188). Such was the case with many of the stories my grandmother would tell me.

            My grandmother lived much of her life in Big Stone Gap, Virginia. She and my grandfather would not move to Florida until after my father had returned from Korea, found work in Florida, and had saved enough to move them from Virginia. She and my grandfather experienced life through the lens of the Great Depression. As a matter of fact, my father, her first-born, was born in September of 1930. My aunt and uncle followed in 1939 and 1948, respectively. She lived during a time when daycare was unheard of and taking care of children, along with one’s daily chores was a given, not the exception. Mothers often spent their days cooking, cleaning, washing, mending, and tending to tasks outside of the home, such as, in my grandmother’s case, farm chores. Her family had a garden, upon which they depended; so, part of her responsibilities included maintaining the garden: tilling, planting, weeding, and harvesting. Crying babies, although a normal part of the story of motherhood, were not a reason for work to come to a grinding halt in order to tend to the baby.

            I was nineteen when my daughter was born. I remember my Aunt Jo coming to visit me once I had brought her home. After feeding her, I would often sit and just hold her. I would cuddle her for what seemed like hours, marveling at each perfect little finger, toes, and smile. My aunt had tried to warn me of the consequences from holding her too much. I was nineteen and knew it all; so, I chose to not heed her advice. That decision would soon catch up with me. As I recall, my daughter was about three months old when I took her to visit her great-grandmother. By this time, my aunt’s words of wisdom were now coming back and the consequences of holding a child too much were taking their toll on me. My daughter had come to expect the long moments of cuddling after feeding and let her needs be known through bouts of long, loud crying. By the time I walked through my grandmother’s door, I had not slept in a very long time; neither could I tend to any of my household chores. It was my grandmother who would eventually reveal the secret I needed in order to survive my first child.

            I am a huge fan of Sex and the City; and, although I did not follow the series during its regular season schedule, re-runs have allowed me to enjoy. One particular episode comes to mind as I reflect. Miranda has given birth to Brady and he cries on what seems like a continual basis. Like me, Miranda would hold Brady for long stretches after feedings. At one point during the show, Miranda is having lunch with Charlotte, Carrie, and Samantha. Miranda looks like I felt so many years ago. Her hair is a mess. Her clothes, as Miranda puts it, smell like barf, and she cannot get anything done. Miranda finally gets relief when a neighbor, who has gone unnoticed by Miranda, knocks on the door at two in the morning, chastises Miranda for not being able to quiet her child, and then follows up the next day with a baby rocker that vibrates. As the show ends, Samantha has volunteered to give Miranda a much needed break by babysitting Brady and giving Miranda her long awaited hair appointment so Miranda can enjoy. The baby rocker’s vibrating mechanism malfunctions. Samantha is able to take her newly purchased neck massager, put it between the baby and the rocker seat, and keep Brady happy.

            My grandmother came from a time when vibrating baby rockers did not exist. In fact, much of today’s baby “necessities” were neither necessary nor available. She, like my aunt, had learned that if a baby was dry, fed, and otherwise not ill, a little crying was good; and, they would eventually tire and go to sleep. My grandmother had work to do and did not have time to carry a baby throughout the day. My grandmother saw that I was struggling and rather repeat the advice of my aunt; she found another way to share her story. My grandmother loved to sew. She could make anything; and, since he funds were often limited, she often learned to make do with what she had. On this particular day, she had offered to show me how to make a bottle holder. She took one of my daughter’s favorite stuffed toys, one that was small enough to be cradled on her stomach, and sewed a piece of elastic to it so the elastic formed a circle. She had measured the elastic to make sure it would accommodate a standard baby bottle. When my daughter awoke and was ready for her next feeding, I followed my grandmother’s instructions. I propped my daughter’s head on a pillow, I placed the bottle in the elastic, I turned the bottle so it was cradled by the toy, I placed the toy on my daughter’s stomach, and she did what my grandmother has expected; she grabbed on to the toy and bottle and drank her milk, without having to be cradled.

            That first day, I simple watched with amazement. With each passing day, I would repeat the process, and while she was eating, I could tend to chores around the house. She learned I did not have to hold her with each feeding; and, so her demands to be held subsided. Putting her down at night became easier, too. It was an amazingly simple lesson I had learned while not only sewing with my grandmother, I had learned it in a positive way, as opposed to the dire consequences foretold by my aunt.

            My grandmother had been able to take a mundane event, feeding a baby, and demonstrated a lesson my aunt had tried to convey with just words through a loving event between a granddaughter and her grandmother. I remember as we sewed together that day, she talked about raising three children during the Great Depression. She could not afford the very basic of baby items; yet, she found a way. She was able to explain why women could not afford to stop and just hold their babies. Work, vital work, had to be done; so, ways that helped entertain the child and free up the mother’s time were developed and implemented. Simple solutions that actually worked. She was able to share what she saw, thought, felt, and needed in a manner that was not as direct and challenging as my aunt (McKay et al., 2009). She and I were able to share our feelings of being new mothers and that helped to strengthen an intimacy that had existed for years (McKay et al., 2009). I have since made the same bottle holder for my two sons, as well as my grandchildren. My grandmother passed on an incredibly valuable lesson to me, her inner idea changed my world for the better. Her lesson and idea are ones that I have been not only been able to share; they represent a story I truly enjoy remembering.

References

Denning, S. (2011). The Leader’s Guide to Storytelling: Mastering the Art and Discipline of

            Business Narrative. San Francisco, CA. Jossey-Bass.

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book.

            Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

TEDxEast. (2011, Nov.). Nancy Duarte: The secret structure of great talks. [Video file].                     Retrieved from             

http://www.ted.com/talks/nancy_duarte_the_secret_structure_of_great_talks

A521.6.3.RB_MedleyKim_Restoration

Restoration

            I remember coming home when I was eighteen with an enthusiasm that could not be contained. I had finally reached the age to register to vote and I was beaming with anticipation and excitement to show my voter card to my father. My father regularly engaged in political discussion around the dinner table. I absolutely love the volley that takes place during good, rigorous debates. It helped to sharpen my ability to formulate and articulate well-founded arguments. In addition to being able to show my father my voter card, I was also anticipating his reaction as his eldest child announced she had registered as a Republican. You see, my father, and his father, and the majority of the adults in my family were life-long Democrats. Talk about political conversations! To this day, I remember the look on his face. Shocked would be an understatement; but, once I had explained my reasons, he respected my decision. Needless to say, our debates sharpened.

            Political back and forth and camaraderie is something I enjoy. Most people do not realize the critical role each political party, and the many sub-organizations, particularly local political clubs, play within the community. For all of our advances in technology and the information highway, nothing, at least in my opinion, can take the place of attending an event to hear and meet with a candidate, local leader, or future President. McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) identify the benefits of non-verbal cues and how that impacts communication and perceptions. Albert Mehrabian cites statistics that indicate 93% of messaging is communicated through non-verbal methods (McKay et al., 2009). Local political clubs meet on a regular, usually monthly, basis, on a given day and at a given time. In addition to providing speakers with platforms from which to share information with the audience, political organizations are often successful because of high-performance teams. Because of recent events within our county, the functionality of the Republican Party became a concern, so much so a group of exceptional women began to organize to address trepidations expressed by many.

            Denning (2011) defines a team as a collection of folks who have a collectively shared obligation to achieve a commonly shared goal; but are otherwise interdependent. A community, which is beginning to appear in organizations, is similar to a team; however, members of a community share “common interests, practices, and values” (Denning, 2011, p. 152). Members of a community concentrate on acquiring more knowledge on topics of common significance (Denning, 2009). Additionally, community members are usually volunteers and their “personal investment” is directed toward “an area of shared interest” (Denning, 2011, p. 155). Whereas high-performance teams may be associated with Denning’s (2011) concept of team, they align with characteristics of communities (Denning, 2011).

            In May of this year, five exceptional women met around a kitchen table, brought snacks, poured goblets of wine, and began the process of addressing the very real concerns facing this county. The group knew the 2016 elections were fast approaching and candidates for all offices would need a place to come. Additionally, Republicans and other citizens wishing to learn about candidates, issues, and other information would need a place to come that was both welcoming and committed to educating those seeking knowledge. Each of the five had been members of the historical club that had suddenly experienced a non-renewal of its charter. It was devastating news that shook local Republicans. Fortunately, a friend had shared information with me that provided a path for us to not only organize a club that could use the name Republican; it gave us the autonomy we would need to revive a damaged brand.

            Denning (2011) states high-performance teams have a “clear goal, appropriate leadership and membership, and adequate resources and support” (p. 156). Further, such teams:

·       Shape and exceed expectations

·       Adjust, innovate, seize, and use setbacks to their advantage

·       Grow and become stronger

·       Realize individual member growth

·       Experience increased nobility

·       Share passion for the cause (Denning, 2011).

Peter Senge wrote that high-performance team members recognize and revel in “the meaningfulness of the experience” (as cited in Denning, 2011, p. 156). Our team, even though we have been organized for five short months, exhibits all of these characteristics. Our shared purpose, shared values, is to repair the damage that has been done to the Republican Party, and provide an inviting environment. By the end of July, our group had crafted a mission statement, written bylaws, identified a slate of acting officers, created public relations’ materials, held our first organizational meeting, elected officers, and submitted our paperwork to the State organization for charter approval. Next week, the secretary of the state organization will present us with our charter.

            While our president has provided us with “direction, membership, resources, recognition, and accountability”, she recognizes the importance of conducting our organization in a non-hierarchical manner (Denning, 2011, p. 157). Our executive board is comprised of women with past experience in the Federal government, decades of public service, parliamentarian experience, and resumes of accomplishment. In short, the board knows how to get things done; and, as Denning (2011) notes, conventional management would stymie our creativity and passion. Since our inception, we have had but one negative situation. A situation arose that needed to be addressed before the first organizational meeting. Although the concern and remedy were discussed before the meeting, hurt feelings resulted, and subsequently led to a resignation. I have thought about this often and asked what if anything I could have done. I had been asked for my opinion before the meeting took place. I provided an honest assessment. If the outcome was to retain the member, I imagine I could have been less than forthcoming; but, that would not have benefited the team. Although I agree with the concept of “if one fails, we all fail”, I also agree with Mr. Spock, ‘the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few, or the one’ (Denning, 2011, p. 156). It was sad to learn of the member’s decision to leave the organization; however, I believe all of did all we could to encourage her to stay. In the end, the decision was hers to make; and, I believe the group is stronger as a result.

            Next week, our group will formally announce its formation to the community. The primary positive that has come about as a result of this incredible group of women is we identified concerns, developed positive solutions, and stand ready to restore the functionality of the Republican Party needed in this community. The thrill of political banter and the camaraderie I so enjoyed with my father exist once again. I, along with others, will be able to attend regular meetings and gather information about candidates and issues. We will be able to take in verbal and non-verbal cues from elected and non-elected officials so informed decisions can be made. Finally, we will restore the sense of community to many Republicans who desperately want to work toward common goals, through an exchange of shared values, and exceed expectations whenever possible. This is one of the best teams of which I am proud to be a member and I cannot wait to see where we are in one year.

References

Denning, S. (2011). The Leader’s Guide to Storytelling: Mastering the Art and Discipline of

            Business Narrative. San Francisco, CA. Jossey-Bass.

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills             Book. Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.